I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
