I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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