I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
