1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
