yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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