I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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