I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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