I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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