I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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