Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
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