Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
