I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
