i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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