dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
