There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Alive.
So much puke
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
