We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
