'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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