dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires