He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".