when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
