she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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