the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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