Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
