True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
