I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
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she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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