he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Randomize