If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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