she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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