Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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