that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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