So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
So squirting runs in the family.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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