Just took my morning after pill in the library
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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