She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Randomize
