My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Randomize
