I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
