so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
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Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
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The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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