Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
