My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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