My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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