Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
