Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
