Moan for me like Helen Keller
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
So here I am, sexting at work.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
