If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
