I smell stomach acid.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
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You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
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He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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