Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Randomize
