Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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