I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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