she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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