I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
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The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
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Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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