Soap is not a condiment
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
