I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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