but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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