Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
