I accidentally had phone sex last night
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
