I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
